The Apartment
do you remember who you were?
all those years ago
I deleted the pictures
I wish i didn’t,
but i remember clear as day
lying in the grass
clothes dirty
fingers pointed to the moon
wired headphones
dreams clear and sharp as a knife
words on scrap paper I kept a secret
a dusty balcony where I spent hours
a world I created just for me
I create a new world now
under a different constellation of stars
i’m in the bathtub with a book of poems and a pen
and when I saw you again my face was painted with too much makeup
I love breaking the spines of my books
leaving my trace on the world
I was here! I think
as I underline the end of a stanza
I don’t remember Christmas being sad,
every carol is in a minor key
it depresses me as I bubble in the answers to my homework.
last night I had a dream where was getting married
but my fiancé didn’t know me at all
because I looked down at my left hand
and the ring was gold not silver
and I stood in a courthouse in white not pink like a fool
and everything was wrong.
I wonder if anyone will read my margin annotations when im gone
I lie in bed under three blankets
with a sweater on and the comforter pulled over my wet hair
I follow the breadcrumb trail back to
the rainy spring I spent in that apartment
on my dusty moonlit balcony
balanced in between
I miss that sad girl.
but for now
i’m waiting for my hair to dry, my head under the covers,
and on the coldest mornings
I pretend i’m out on the highway
somewhere out there
going west
I wake in chilly motel rooms
as the mist burns off the interstate.
My Heart Is Soft Again
An old man plays the saxophone,
his pruny fingers press on the golden buttons
as the music pulls me deeper into the train station
my heels clicking on the white tile
the music swirling through my being
I see God when the curtains rise
I am the first person up to give a standing ovation
my heart is soft again
I miss my friends who are far away
but that pain is quite gorgeous really,
it is the tugging feeling of being loved
my heart is soft again
I find the gold and sapphire and emerald beams of light
within my own body this time
we take off and the clouds are way below
i’m writing new lyrics to old songs
tapping my fingers on the glass
flying through the jet stream across the Atlantic
keeping time
I can sleep well again in my own bed
I left the curtains open
but it was a new moon so the whole world was dark
Second Snow
The first icy winter in forever
there’s something hopeful
about how everything is soft and white and quiet and new
your street looks unfamiliar, it could be any dead end street in America
Christmas lights glitter from within bushes covered in thick snow
like fairies hiding from the cold
the geese hid under their feathers far away on the field
the trees curled their gnarled fingers
beckoning for me to walk further down the forest path
my dogs left paw prints behind
until we walked too far, and by the time we turned back our legs were numb
we shed our sad bitter selves by the fire with our scarves and the snow we brought inside
our worries dripped of our coats and hair and glasses onto the carpet in the front hall
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